10 Survival Strategies for Parents of Newborns
By Catie McDowell, LMFT, and Ellen Rossier, LCSW.
Rest. In other times the family or women of the village rallied around
new parents and their baby and cared for them, their home, and other children.
Today there is little support for the idea of women taking a "time of seclusion".
The gift of maternity/paternity leave is that you are given permission to let
go of other responsibilities and limit your focus to yourself and your family.
So, slow down. Give yourself this time.
Let yourself be taken care of. People love to feel helpful, so when
friends and family offer to help, say "YES". Make a list of tasks
that people could do for you. In fact, women who overdo in the early weeks may
recover more slowly or develop complications like mastitis.
If you can afford to hire help, do it! There are lots of people in town
who offer postpartum doula care. Their services include: mom and baby care,
cooking and light housework. This can be especially helpful for parents of multiples.
Let the machine pick up. You don’t need to answer the phone call
of every well-wisher or oblige every visitor. Sometimes a message on your answering
machine giving callers the vitals on your baby, and a report on how you’re
doing can satisfy friends and family. And everyone is eager to meet your new
arrival, but visits can be exhausting for new parents and babies. Partners can
help to excuse lingering visitors by saying something like, "You look tired,
honey. You must be due for a nap."
Be gentle with yourself and your partner. The optimal ratio for adults
to newborn is at least 3:1! It’s hard to believe that a tiny baby can create
so much work - but they do. Exhaustion and being overwhelmed can open the door
to misunderstandings. It’s easy to slip into feeling that your partner
isn’t carrying his or her weight of the household tasks. These thoughts
can develop into resentment, which can lead to feelings of distance and disconnection.
Say to yourselves, "There is more work to do right now than any two people
could do. We are both doing all we can, and some tasks are still left undone."
Remember to thank each other for all the things you are doing. Gratitude and
resentment do not co-exist easily.
Talk with each other about your feelings. No matter how long people
have been having babies, it’s still a big deal when you’re the one
who’s uttering those words, "My daughter" or "My son"
for the first time. It’s important for breastfeeding moms to tell their
partners how overwhelming it can be to be the sole food source for a little
being. Dads or partners need to explain how heavy the weight of providing for
a growing family can be. You both need to be able to share your fears, worries,
and dreams. When you’re under stress, the old habit of thinking your partner
should just know how you feel can rear its head. So talk, and listen.
Get outside with your baby. There’s something about the warm sunlight
or a cool breeze that calms babies and their parents. If you’re feeling
house-bound, or if your little one has a fussy time of day when nothing seems
to quell her crying, head outside. Even if she keeps fussing, you’ll find
yourself breathing more deeply, feeling a sense of space, and maybe a moment
of tranquillity.
Discuss your nighttime strategy during the day. Emotionally and physically
exhausted people do not make their best decisions at 2:00 in the morning. And,
they are generally not their most rational and kind selves. So talk about it
ahead of time. Decide who is doing what and when before you fall asleep.
Join a group for new parents. Being with an infant hour after hour can
be isolating, and even the most confident parent can find it daunting to venture
out into the world in the early weeks. A group for new moms or dads provides
an opportunity to get out and connect with other parents in a place that’s
safe and infant-friendly. Sharing ideas and swapping strategies with other sleep-deprived
adults can be very comforting!
Embrace those moments of pure happiness. Having a newborn is really
hard work. So when you have a moment of peace or joy, or amazement about this
new little being in your life, revel in it!
Ellen Rossier, LCSW, and Catie McDowell, LMFT, are psychotherapists in private practice in Boulder working with adults, couples, and families. They lead a group for new moms, the New Mom’s Connection, for women who are looking for the company of other sleep-deprived adults. They can be reached at (303) 494-6877. A resource for expectant dads is the Boot Camp for Dads in Denver, (303) 866-8280.